Failure is not a deal-breaker in this house

The Joy of Showing Mercy

Obviously, because I am a Christian author and speaker married to a pastor, our children are perfect, always behaving as if singing angels dropped them straight into our arms from the bosom of heaven. They obey the first time they are asked, they love each other desperately and never fight over the Wii remote, and they donate their birthday money to the Foundation for the Homeless they set up when they were in elementary school. No one ever rolls their eyes at me or procures big, dramatic sighs when I tell them to clean their filthy bathroom. Their first words were, “I want to ask Jesus into my heart.” (I know, right? We were surprised too. They skipped right over ‘Mama’ and ‘Dada’ to the gospel of atonement.)

But I’ve heard of other kids who can be rotten.


Inconceivably, my firstborn, who just entered the world about twelve minutes ago, is a junior in high school. I have no idea how to make sense of this information. I don’t know which is more disconcerting: that he is old enough to drive or that I am old enough to be his mother. What is happening, people?

This boy that I love, this good boy who is funny and quirky and smart and delightful, totally blew it recently. Anytime your kid comes home from school pale as a ghost, looking like a deer in the headlights, saying, “Mom and Dad? Can I speak to you in private, please? It’s bad…” this is not a good omen.

Of course, my head went straight to Crazyville thinking: someone has hurt him, some teacher mocked him, some boys from the football team, who outweigh him by 70 pounds which he can’t help because he has small bones, have been bullying him for six months and he hasn’t had the courage to tell us but now they’ve set up a Facebook page against him and posted photo-shopped pictures of him freebasing cocaine and it’s gone viral and he’s getting death threats.

Brandon suggests that sometimes I overreact.

 “I cheated on a test and got caught.”

There were some extenuating circumstances. (Aren’t there always?) Time was clicking down, panic was growing as he couldn’t work the problem out, the teacher gave the two minute warning, and he just glanced over at his neighbor’s paper and copied his final answer.

I’ve said for some time that math is tricky. Evidently, when your work shows that your answer should read “7xå- a(k) > cos 2z” but you’ve written “12?”, the person with the math degree can often smell a rat. (Clearly I have no math degree, as evidenced by that invented formula I cobbled together from the symbols menu because I am a word girl.)

I forced my face to appear calm and my voice to remain steady. Since he was already on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I decided to play the straight man in this scene from ‘Juvenile Delinquents of the Future.’ We let him share the details with his trembling voice, including the part where – against all reason – his teacher was allowing him to retake the test the next morning before school for a maximum grade of 80%, which was slightly more lenient than, say, in-school suspension.

Many words about honor and character and truthfulness followed, Brandon and I taking turns doing what parents do. We used the word “disappointed”, which everyone knows is the worst dagger, especially for a kid whose last brush with the law was in first grade when he brought a plastic knife in his lunch box for peanut butter, and the counselor told me she was “worried about him.” (Seriously, School Counselor? He hasn’t even lost a tooth yet. I think we can ratchet down the melodrama a bit.)

We sent him to his room so we could “talk about it,” prolonging his torture and freaking him out with our eerie calmness, which isn’t our usual way, as we are a family of blazing torches. I’m sure he was expecting to be strung up on the gallows as an object lesson to his four younger siblings, a warning to all future tricksters.

But here is what I knew: This boy, this cheating boy, is good. He is so dear. His heart is gentle and decent in all the most important ways. I learned how to be a mom with this kid, and he has been a true delight. I know him. I know him better than he knows himself. I can read all his nonverbal cues and discern his precise emotion, just by glancing at his hands. He’s the spitting image of his dad, which is just the best thing. My heart burns with a hot, fiery, consuming love for him, and this lapse in judgment is so very small compared with the rest of our story together.

We decided on a consequence, which he accepted almost gratefully, so relieved to be at the end of this conversation rather than the dreaded beginning. And I decided in that moment to fully let him off the hook. Fully. No stern face, no circular discussion back to his crime, no stoic interaction the rest of the day.

I started joking with him about it, using our shared language of humor.

At first, he wasn’t sure how to respond, not convinced he could drop his shame and laugh just yet. So then I told him how his dad, the one whose face he shares, cheated on his Biblical Ethics test in college, which is so deliciously ironic, I couldn’t possibly be making it up. I threw in the time me and my friend Janet cheated on a philosophy test, got busted, and cried our eyes out until our professor had mercy on us, certainly caving just to get these two wailing, hysterical girls out of his office. I asked if he was planning to cheat on any impending blood tests or his annual vision screening.

I watched as relief flooded his face.

We were okay.

It was such a joy to show my son mercy; I almost couldn’t wait to do it. If he only knew how epically his dad and I have failed and how many times regret and shame threatened to take us under. I needed him to know my love for him went so far beyond the boundaries of “behaving.” We’re for you, kid. I wanted to show him that in our family, we mess up, we fess up, we own up, and we make up. It’s just that simple. Failure is not a deal-breaker in this house. Love indeed covers a multitude of sins. If Jesus told us to forgive our enemies, then certainly we are to forgive our own flesh and blood, especially the ones we gave life to.

Mamas, we discipline to teach our children responsibility, honesty, character, and godliness – all important. But we forgive to teach them mercy, kindness, gentleness, and grace – all equally important. We communicate to them, “This is not a perfect family; it’s a human family held together by love, compassion, and a lot of duct tape.” We must get vulnerable and honest with our children, sharing our mistakes and identifying with them way down deep in their guilt, teaching them that we are safe and they need never hide from us.

Your kids will fail in sometimes epic, embarrassing ways. Like you did. Like I did. This doesn’t mean you’ve done a sorry job as a parent or your child is destined for the penitentiary. It just means God has given you yet another chance to act justly, to love mercy, and to learn to walk humbly with Him. If motherhood hasn’t taught us to die to self, then we haven’t been paying a lick of attention.

It also means he is training your children in the safest possible place: your home. Where they know they are beloved no matter, accepted regardless, forgiven always. Not only do we shape their character but we give them security, so easy to learn early but so difficult to learn later. Teaching our kids what to do with failure – in our choices, with each other – is one of the most important lessons, one they will return to until the grave.

May we show our children grace today, modeling Jesus to our young ones until they are old enough to taste His goodness and see for themselves. And one day, they’ll make the connection between the Jesus in their mother’s heart and the Jesus in theirs, and our work will be complete.

ENTER TO WIN A copy of Jen's re-released book Interrupted and some coffee by Camano Island Coffee Roasters!

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  1. shari lynne @ Faith Filled Food for Moms posted on 07/28/2014 10:02 AM
    I absolutely love this Jen! With 7 kids of my own I can shout YES! They so need our mercy in this crazy world. With all of it's temptations and trials..when we truly know our children..then we know their sensitive hearts and we know just how far to go with consequences.

    I love that you were able to move on in relationship with him..Loving and kind and everything was "OK" Kids sooo need to learn these things at home as you say...
  2. Stephanie Click posted on 07/28/2014 10:50 AM
    Brilliant -- I loved every word.
  3. Barb posted on 07/28/2014 11:22 AM
    How very timely! I am just about to go with my son to speak with an advisor at the community college he attends. Last year failed perhaps half of his classes and most likely lost his A+ scholarship. What I was planning on as two free years of college tuition has evaporated. Thanks for the encouragement and reminder to extend the grace I have been given.
  4. Jill Dixon posted on 07/28/2014 12:03 PM
    Jen, thank you for yet another timely word. Thank you! I can wait to hear you speak in Santa Barbara in January.
    And about this drawing- so happy to see Jen and Camano Island in the same sentence! We used to live on Camano!
  5. ~Karrilee~ posted on 07/28/2014 01:30 PM
    Oh My Gah... I love her so much - and this, every word! Mercy triumphs... not always easy - but always good!
  6. Jimmy posted on 07/28/2014 06:19 PM
    Thank you for these words. It has been a difficult couple of months with an 8 year old. Sometimes you need to read words like these. That it even happens to Jen and Brandon:)
  7. Angela posted on 07/28/2014 08:51 PM
    Oh, I just love this so much. It's so easy to get caught up in wanting to raise "good" kids, that we in turn, forget to show mercy. Thank you so much for this reminder!
  8. Corie Clark posted on 07/29/2014 12:02 AM
    Amen! Our oldest is 14 and it's so interesting to see how discipline changes through the years. Of course there need to be consequences most of the time but so often we forget how forgiving God is. Like, the ultimate example of forgiveness. When my flesh is wanting to punish the kids, I often feel the Holy Spirit nudging me. Reminding me that when I jack things up I am shown love and mercy. And I need to be that example to my kids.
    Thanks for this great reminder, Jen!
  9. Carolyn Jarvis posted on 07/29/2014 12:01 PM
    Thank you for sharing!
  10. Geneva posted on 07/29/2014 02:41 PM
    Any advice for my 4 year old daughter that couldn't care less if she gets in trouble for doing something naughty? She will tell us exactly what she did without any fear of reproach. Our first born is very much like your son, but the middle child, ooofta, she is a whole different breed!
  11. Cyndi Lucas posted on 07/30/2014 10:01 AM
    thank you so much for sharing such a beautiful Christian mom's heart in action. I have no children of my own and was not raised in at Christ filled home. It restores my heart to see Jesus in action the way he should be in all parents children relationships. Some of us never had that but it sure is beautiful the seaI just really think you for sharing. Blessings
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